Can't sleep

Time and time I get chances,
Asking myself the age old question...
WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY YES??
I don't think i'm the overly nice kinda person, but I guess when stupidity strikes, there aint much you can do to control the situation there and then.
I spent 2 years working my arse off just to get unappreciated.
I tried my very best but in the end, still have to be the one to say no, that's it.
I'm a pretty damn determined child.. But he has the ability to make me stop trying, give up.
I'm absolutely exhausted.
I thought I'd end up with something.. or things I would think.. 2 years..
Nope, not much. Hasn't heard from him, I have alone moments where I ask myself, where and what have I done again?
Seems like it's always been me in many past relationships...
But somehow, this time around, a little tiny voice in my head (Hasn't heard from her for a long time now) told me.. It isn't YOU this time.. really isn't.
He's just not the one. Too bad, now hush and move on.

I'm on an emotional vacation now. I cried once, and that was it. Didn't anymore, was expecting my usual drama and then running back to him asking for reconcilliation... Didn't as well.

There are a good number of us in this world that has zero understanding of ourselves. Truely, I know many many pals far better than I undersand myself. My emotions avea life of their own and they take me to heights I haven't been to and drop me...

But at times like these, they somehow were the first to rush in and comfort my heart, no torn apart feeling, no tears, no screaming, no wanting to jump off the building. Just solem, I aint happy if that's what you're thinking, but these 2 weeks, I have yet to find any other emotions to express myself. And i truely wish to keep things tt way. I went to work as per normal, I handle myself very well. Did run off to places in the middle of the night though.. Haha.. Went all the way to east coast alone to fascinate myself with one of those plushie machines, pretty good catch..

I'm tired...
Don't pretend you know how I feel cos I've worked years on end to keep a friendship lit, tries my best to step into his life and stay in it.
And I failed, I seldom do in my short 23 years...
But this time, I did.
But really, I tried...

Now that I'm back to being me again, no more trying to be the good grrlfriend, to please people, to smile when told, to feel stumbled upon.. I'm fine. Give me some time and I'll be back to being me.. something I'm trying to regain after 2 years of being HIS me...