Regardless

Regardless of how you twist and bend,
You can't seem to get it right.

How useless can one get?

Story of my life

I've grown up being second best at almost everything and everyone I have knowledge of.

Let's start young,

Daddy's never stopped working and getting a day out with him is THE biggest thing if it ever happened.

Probably twice a year, miracle.

Don't even get me started on holding his hand. (everytime I got to, it's like a trip to the moon and back excitement)

I saw him so little during my teenage years, it was scary.

Ballet:

The love of my life (without a heartbeat), grew up a plump kid, hence, not ideal for the artform.

I fell utterly in love with it when I was 5, went class after class.

Never the prodigy I'd hope I'll become.

Changed teacher at the age of 9 and had to go through an entrance audition.

Teacher mention "She's not a bad dancer, but too plump, need to lose weight" This was said to my mum, with me by her side. Oh goodness if I had the hormones I have now, then, I'd have commited suicide.

So i danced and danced, never the most flexible grrl, nor the most technically sound.

Secondary school came and since my teacher decided to play some stupidass ice breaker games to warm the class of 12 1/2 year olds, we had to stand up individually, introduce ourselves and tell the class our greatest hobby.

So I stood up and said "I'm Cai Jia Ying, Birthday on the 6th of December and I do ballet"

Followed by an anonymous reply "Huh! So fat also do ballet? Can meh?!"

OMG THE LOUDEST LAUGHTER EVER!!!!

I was so utterly embarrassed, I laughed along.

Feeling actually attacked thanks to my weight, for the first time.

Throughout secondary school, there I was, not the most gorgeous grrl in school, neither was I the most popular. Academically not great... Jack of all trades a master of NONE. Came in 2nd in long distance runs, not the fastest sprinter either. Played:

Netball

Bowling

Was in the ELDDS Club

Choir

Badminton

Dance

On to College.

Went to Lasalle-SIA College of the Arts to pursue my love, DANCE.

First year went past with not much of hiccups, I danced everyday, and was happy, and thanks to the introduction of contemporary, I was no longer TOO BIG to dance.

2nd year came and it was time to audit for parts in graduation shows and other performances available.

Then came the nightmare:

I was put in the back cause I wasn't the smallest, nor the strongest dancer.

Unable to place any lead parts.

Then thanks to one of the other dancer's injury, they were short of a female dancer with long hair. And there I was, a chance to be in the spotlight, all dolled up, dusted with gold and served on a golden platter.

I danced like never before and placed a few other main dance roles in the show.

It felt so nice, FINALLY! People see and appreciate me for something I love!

Even got invited to dance with one of the local contemp companies at the Esplanade.

It was awesome!

Then came a rather interesting love story, but in short, he eventually cheated on me, during out school's dance trip to Taipei with a white chick. Okay lor, Win.

I can be alot of things, but a WHITE chick. Seriously. How you tell me?!

And life continued into year three and along came this Russian ballet teacher, this other Philippino Ballet teacher.

I've know the Philippino teacher since I've been with my 2nd ballet teacher, growing up. They were dear friends and he choreographed a jazz piece at one of her recitals, so his attitude and ways came as no surprise to my system.

He'd call me things like coffee (Cause I'm tan), and tell me ONG XI FA CAI! While pinching my bits of fat on the side of my waist while doing my side leg stretches.

Past all that, I had many a nickname in school (Gina-Ribena, Gina-Vagina, Gina-Banana) but the one that stuck was BAH BAH. Nope! Nothing to do with rhyming with my english name, BAH BAH was in Hokkien,of which when translated, means "Meat Meat", which jeng jeng jeng!! Meant Plump.

Didn't quite hurt me though, not till much later when I think back and wonder.

Oh yes! The Russian!! W called her the Russian-Pussy, whole time she was instructing at out college, cause she was mean and couldn't keep herself from verbally abusing us, even with her torn and broken english. So one gorgeous morning, she walked into the studio and I was in a side split, stretching forward with my tummy on the floor.

Walked up to me she said "Oh Geena! What are you doing? Eating Cake?"

Looking up I replied " I'm stretching, and I dont eat cake.'

Her epic reply "Well, dont start!"

OMG, WANNA KILL HER AND THEN MYSELF MOMENT

Then came my young adulthood teaching, people who have always wondered why I believe in "ALL CAN DANCE AND SHOULD BE GIVEN A CHANCE" was because of my past personal experiences with teachers who judged a student's potential based on their body shape and size.

It sucked being "Not slim enough"

I taught with that philosophy, to the point I took up the challenge of my ex-boss, to take the RAD grrls she had at that point and put them through the Inter-Found examination and have at least 70% passing rate.

I did that and MORE, the grrls danced like never before, we built a bond few teachers have their entire teaching career and much much more. THey did well, I had 100% passing rate and 30% Distinction.

So I persevered and continued, aiming to inspire.

Along with the bonding came attachments, like parents to kids.

And as they grew, some of my grrls were good enough to forward onto dance academies of different sorts.

Then came the nightmare:

They began to challange my teaching techniques and everything in between. Every comparisn was a stab to my heart, those grrls meant more to me than my personal relationships to my boyfriends at that point. And after almost 5 years of teaching, came the jaded-ness and the painful halt to my teaching career. 

Once again, it felt like I was 2nd best. Once they got the best of what I had to give,

they take it, put it next to others, compare and challenge.

The same time, the emotional love of my life was close to ending as well. Last words were 

"I can never love you the way you love me"

2nd best much?

So taking all of that hurt, I decided to travel the world and be responsible to none, so no one can hurt me. Enjoyed most of my flying life, saw things I had dreamt to see my entire life and met people I would otherwise never get to. And hey, I wasn't quite 2nd best! My pax liked and appreciated me (Well most of them)

But while I was engaged to my ex, he put me 2nd to his ex grrlfriend a few times and refused to pick up a pair and protect me from her words.  My own friends had to! Believe it! Oh and his parents hated me cause I'm Singaporean and they saw us as being "MATERIALISTIC AND MONEY-MINDED"

Unbelieva-fucking-ble!!!

It's  good thing that ended (:

And now, me, this moment, sitting at the edge of my bed, past the sobbing state cause I just had an argument with my boyfriend cause I feel 2nd best to everything he has happening in his life.

The whole incident got me thinking and tracking back my own timeline to find out why do I constantly feel the need to give my 150%, pleasing people I presume to matter in my life and then having them eventually turn around and telling me that I'm expecting too much. Me on the other end of the table, feeling like shit, cause they can't seem to match the amount of attention and effort I spend on them. It's probably me hurting myself by having any form of expectations because people in this century don't know how to appreciate and return anymore, companied by the fact that money and other things and "cool friends" are seemingly of higher importance.

Don't quite know where or how to go from here, should probably consider therapy, shrink.

I would like to love without burden, or being anyone's burden.

Thanks for reading 

-Curtseys-