I grew up in the perfect environment with parents injecting positive thoughts like
"You can do ANYTHING you believe in."
And it's only done me well.
Until these few years of my quarter life crisis.
They've made my limitations shine, putting down a huge part of my self esteem and confidence.
Enough of introduction to my boring old life, this entry is about Monday, the 22nd of July.
I decided to try out a new job in sales, this time, not only did I crash, yours truly, went up in flames and burnt.
Past two weeks, post signing the letter of confirmation, was alot of self talk and relentless amount of confidence boost. Went out shopping for new work clothes, read up on related subjects etc. and it all came up to nothing.
Day one came and I was brought on a building tour, the gym, dance studio, cafeteria and the list goes on. HR finally handed me over to the marketing department and since my direct boss wasn't available for the day, I had to be babysat by another manager. He sat me down at my cubicle, nice wide space, introduced me to the whole office (person by person), which was a terrible idea, cause by the end of it, I had no idea who my neighbors were.
Only thing I remember was I had nothing to do for about half an hour, sitting there, swirling around in my chair and wondering why the ceiling was so ugly and the office so warm. Thinking back at my first day teaching, I walked into a class of 25 young, excited ballerina wannabes and I was pumped, excited and ready to go. Why am I not feeling like this??!
Where did that drive, that sense of purpose go?!
I was in sales, which means a highly self-driven job, basic and work damn hard for your monthly target and commission.
I got so worried by lunch and after that was a whole afternoon of going through acre-names and the different ways to sell. They weren't too tough or anything, but I could not for the hell of me, relate that to anything I can ever be interested in doing.
I actually felt more connection towards air craft doors and carts, the different ways to apologize and makes people buy your words than this. Came 6:30pm and I walked out of the office feeling utterly confused and unfulfilled. By 9:30pm, it hit me, I was having dinner with my boy, instead of enjoying myself, I kept thinking about the next day and the amount of nothingness that is to come.
Day 1 and I was unhappy.
It takes a whole different breed to take up an office job, even one that allows constant getting out and about, meeting clients.
I need to either be fully on the move and constant go, or happily stuck in a dance studio.
My apologies for those who believed I could do it especially Daniel, I love you so much and it annoys me to have failed your kindness.
Still don't know what I want form here on,
something I've learnt for sure,
is a list of things I do not want.
Progress
